Am I Crazy?

Published March 30, 2014 by Jennie

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I came across this quote recently and it made me start to think.  What is the appropriate way to deal with/ manage infertility?  You would think after four years, I would know the answer.  Unfortunately I do not.  I am not sure if it is because we are going to start treatment soon but I am starting to feel a little crazy.  I’ll tell you why.

Some days I wake up and do not even think about the fact that I am a failed baby maker.  Also, sometimes I go out with my husband and friends and even think about how nice it is that we have the freedom to do so.  Unlike our friends with kids, our schedules are more flexible and we do have more free time to do what we want.  Other days, I wake up and all I can think about is getting pregnant.  Seemingly innocuous things like commercials for diapers make me fall apart.

On occasion, infertility make me really angry.  I become jealous of other couples who seem to get pregnant with little effort while I try everything under the sun without success.  Knowing how crappy infertility is, I should be thrilled when other people do not have to deal with it.  Also, I love my husband more than anything and I hate how infertility has put a stress on our marriage.  We will work it out like we always do but it still sucks.  I also get really mad at people who seem to have the solution to my problems or give me possible reasons as to why I have not yet gotten pregnant.  While I try to stay positive, some days are easier than others and I often feel that I am criticized for my negativity.  You know that being negative prevents you from getting pregnant right…..ugh!!!

At the same time I am reminded of loved ones who are dealing with far more grim situations.  My own parents lost their only son at age 19.  Other loved ones have battled (and sometimes lost their battle to) cancer and other conditions.  Some friends and family members struggle with serious financial issues and worry about things I never think about (like buying foods and maintaining housing).

It is wrong for me to allow infertility to permeate my life the way it does when things could be so much worse?  On the other hand, isn’t it okay to think about how my life would differ if I did not have to constantly fight an (as of now) losing battle against infertility?  Lately, I have managed infertility and worries about our impending treatment by going on autopilot.  I have been given suggestions on how to handle my feelings about this.  Many people tell me I should be positive and expect the treatment to work.  Is that what I should be doing?  If so, it is hard to do.  Nothing has worked in the past and it is difficult to believe that things will be different.  I do really hope that it works!  I know there is a chance or I would not try.  Realistically, I know fertility treatment success rates are not that high and there is a good chance that it will not work.  Is this negative or just realistic?  To make things stranger, there are times where I am super optimistic about it.  I even start thinking about baby names and how we would announce a pregnancy when it all works out.  I do not know why I change my perspective and why I can not just stay positive all the time.  If I am thinking about it the wrong way, it is really hard to change how I feel.  Four years of disappointment is a long time.  A lot of time I just want to hide and have people leave me alone.  I do not know why I feel like this as well because I have a wonderful group of friends.  Many of them have been there for me throughout this journey and it is wrong of me to want to them leave me alone sometimes.  Seriously…I think I may be going crazy.

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29 comments on “Am I Crazy?

  • You are not going crazy. This is just how we deal with situations that we have no control over. I think all of us dealing with infertility are riding on the same emotional rollercoaster … fine one day, a hot mess the next. You just have to do whatever it is that will get you through. Hang in there 🙂

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  • This is how we ALL feel. There are no set of emotions you’re supposed to feel. Being a part of the blogging has community has really shown me the different ways other people handle it. As someone going on year 10 of IF, I have the same ups and downs that I had in year 1 and 4 and 6. I wouldn’t say it gets better, but you start realizing you’re not a freak, you’re just dealing with a lot of different emotions all at once. They get muddled.

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      • I feel like some days are just amazing and I’m amazing and life is ok and the , like you said, a weird thing like a diaper commercial will set me off. Yesterday running around doing errands I saw four pregnant women. I was counting. And it felt like punishment.

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  • Preach it sister! This is my life too and the life of so many in this community. Thank you for posting this and helping me feel less alone in my crazy. We might all be completely crazy but at least we can be crazy together. 🙂 hang in there.

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  • You are not crazy. And as for those going through situations “worse” than yours, always remember that infertility is grief. According to a study done by Resolve, women going through infertility report stress and anxiety levels similar to a patient undergoing chemo. Infertility is hard, hands down. But you have a support system here in blog land and I will help you in any way I can. Love to you and I’m praying for your little miracle to arrive soon!

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  • Thank you for putting into words what most of us struggling with fertility feel. A lot of people don’t understand how difficult it is to ttc when you are having issues with it. I even told my husband today I feel like such a failure.

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  • Great post and I really like your blog! You are not going crazy! I switch between resolute optimism to the depths of despair and anger at least once a day sometimes. It is a tough, tough break that’s for sure.

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  • It’s funny because I feel the exact same way right now. I feel like I go from extreme to extreme. I am so full of hope one moment, and then the next I am crying asking myself why, why NOT me. As I start blogging and find other women out there like me, who are in this meshugas (for lack of a better word) too, I feel comfort, because I am not alone! Thank you for sharing, because you too are not alone. I hope all goes well for you in the next step in your journey. ❤

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  • Oh man… I can so relate sometimes!! I’m so glad that people don’t understand or get it, but sometimes I wish they’d at least out more effort into being more considerate about the whole thing. Ya know? I even have family members that I just want to punch sometimes (though I never would) just because of things they’ve said while KNOWING that my older sister and I have struggled to become parents. I just don’t get how some of the things that people say seem to be acceptable to them! Smh… I’m with you. He hard times are REALLY hard, and after over 6 years, crazy little things can set me off into an emotional ride, too. Hugs!

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  • You are most definitely not crazy! Your post pretty much could have been about me. And sometimes, I feel like if I’m to optimistic, I’ll jinx myself. We, of course, want it to work, but we don’t want to get our hopes up either. And the part about sometimes actually being happy about not having kids, spot on. Especially the days I get to sleep in or travel. The most we need to figure out is who will take care of our pup and kitties. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

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    • My husband sometimes does not understand why I do not always get excited about starting fertility treatments. I am thankful we can do them but it is so hard to get my hopes up and have it not work! Today we slept in and went out to a nice dinner and those are the times I am glad we do not have children. I know what you mean about later feeling guilty though.

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