Today was very strange. Since the weather is getting warmer, I decided to go shopping for some summer dresses. I was sifting through the racks at Ross when I saw a woman enter the store. She looked disheveled and obviously (very) pregnant. For some reason, I made eye contact with her and she came over to me. She introduced herself to me and I could tell that she was under the influence of something (I am not sure exactly what though). She then told me that she was due in a few days and needed help buying baby clothes. She asked me if I could do anything for her and I just froze. It was obvious this woman was really down on her luck. Even so, my initial feeling towards her was jealously. In retrospect, this is crazy. Of course I do not know her entire life story but it appeared that my life is much more stable than hers.
I am not sure why but I asked her if she is having a boy or a girl and she told me she did not know because she had not yet been to a doctor. She also told me that her last three children are girls so she thinks that this one might be a boy. Before I had time to really say anything else, an employee approached us and asked this woman if she needed any help (I think he may have overheard our conversation). He told her she needed to leave and I moved on to sift through the next rack of dresses.
When I got home, I decided to get my mind off things with some mindless TV. I turned on Dr. Phil (I know its awful but I hoped that whoever was on it might make me feel better about my life). The story focused on a neglected 5 year old boy who was starved and kept locked in a closet. He lived with his father and stepmother who had 6 children and one on the way.
I hate focusing on the negative but sometimes I could not help but wonder why the hell that women gets to have so many children and I can not even have one. Seriously, just one and I would be happy. My husband and I are both very stable and have the resources and skills necessary to become loving parents. I feel like I already love a child who may or may not ever exist which breaks my heart. I just want a chance that’s all.