Published April 30, 2014 by Jennie

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For those of you not familiar with my story, my husband and I decided in December to resume fertility treatments in May.  In January, I decided I would do everything possible to improve my physical, mental, emotional health.  I have worked hard and have made some significant changes.  Things were going great until a few weeks ago.  I have kept many of my good habits (no soda, artificial sweetener, limited added sweeteners, etc). Even so, I have let a lot of things slide.  I’ve been cooking less and relying more on quick meals which are more likely to be processed.  I have also not been to the gym as much and when I go, I have been focusing mainly on cardio (I know that it does not do me much good unless I balance it with strength and flexibility training).

I should also say that this time correlates with the end of my last semester of doctoral classes.  I have telling myself I have just been to busy to be healthy.  Logically, I know my reasoning is full of crap.  Being healthy is a lifestyle, not just something you do when you have time.  Life will always be busy.  I can not just be healthy when its convenient.  I am really disappointed with myself.  I also have this crazy thought that maybe I am sabotaging myself.  It would be extremely difficult to accept that I did everything to prepare myself for fertility treatments and I still failed.  I feel like I may be setting myself up to fail because I can not handle being let down again.  Why is it so hard for me to stay positive?  I get so tired of trying to be perfect.  I just want to hide in my closet and eat ice cream. – Jennie

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26 comments on “Sabotage!

  • This is a very on-point post. Infertility enhances a females somewhat natural inclination to be perfect. Our bodies are failing us and we can’t control it. I totally relate to what you are saying about not being able to believe that if you did everything right, how could something not go right? It’s so difficult to reconcile. Ice cream is a great idea and I support that 100%. 🙂 Hang in there! Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Be kind to yourself. You can only do what you can do. Tomorrow is over, so focus on the here and now and do what you can. Sending lots of hugs your way!


  • This is a great post and your sincerity comes through. I feel the same way about not taking care of myself as I know I should and sabotaging myself… but I know it takes a lot to verbalize that you’re actually doing this. You know, the first step to change is acknowledgement, and you’re on the right path. Good luck to you!


  • It is so hard to keep doing this month after month. For the last few weeks, I haven’t even been taking a prenatal. Then I feel guilty but then I feel like I’m wasting money. All the things I’ve given up don’t seem to be doing any good either. I have followed all the rules. I don’t get it.


  • I also struggle with feeling like I’m not doing everything I possibly can to help myself. But the truth is, that’s impossible. We are human and imperfect, plus you have to enjoy life every once in a while 🙂

    I started reading a book called “the infertility survival handbook.” There is a section about unexplained infertility that made me think of you. The author says “one thing to keep in mind about infertility treatment is that ‘unexplained infertility’ cannot be diagnosed without IVF. IVF serves diagnostic purposes for many couples because it reveals problems that aren’t otherwise detected.”

    Infertility is tough, but keep your chin up. I hope you learn something that will help your doctors help you as you begin treatment again.


  • I can totally relate! I have been trying to finish my dissertation and all of that fun stuff and my healthy eating has gone out the window! As has weight training. I know it is just an excuse, but let’s be honest it is a pretty good one. Just think this whole PhD thing has to stop at some point! We should try and keep each other accountable!


  • I am so on board with wilhc121- I have gone on a couple of health kicks over the last 3+ years and just like you – approached them with a sense of wanting to be very healthy for my future children. I think the best way to describe it is “I don’t have a child to mother yet, so I will try and eat and be uber healthy on behalf of the child so that at least I am in some way, taking care of this nonexistent baby and being a mother.”

    Of course, when I weighted it with those fairly cumbersome requirements it went from “try to eat more fresh fruit and veg” to “be the person you always wanted to be and eat like the mother you think you should be” EG, “Be perfect”.

    Sadly, I feel like I am currently the poster child for why that approach doesn’t work. I am 25 lbs heavier and now struggling with disordered eating that I’d *thought* I’d put to bed many years ago. It’s back! The one thing I learned then was I was very b/w, all or nothing and I piled on tons of shame onto to myself which lead me to binge (doing that again). So I am trying to stop dieting and instead focus on feeding myself. By no means do I have this figured out! But I do know that for me anyway, trying to be perfect in the guise of trying to “eat better” was one more way of assigning blame to myself for being infertile in the first place.

    Anyway – thanks for letting come and comment on your blog – you definitely got my brain working!


  • Yeah I also spent some time thinking about what wilhc121 said. It is so true. It is impossible to do it all but it is also hard for me not to feel guilty all the time. Thank you so much for your comment!


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