One Year Ago

Published May 11, 2016 by Jennie

Exactly one year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. So much has happened since then. Even so, sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. One of the worst memories from that day is seeing the look on my husband’s face when he realized our little boy no longer had a heart beat. It was awful. Even now I have days where it is hard to get those memories out of my head.

Every day I am thankful for this pregnancy. Even so, these babies do not replace the one we lost. I still miss him. Our loss as well as our infertility struggle continues to have an impact on me today. While I was worried during my first pregnancy, that was nothing like this one. Doctors appointments are tough. Waiting for the doctor to pick up the heartbeats on the ultrasound always feels like it takes forever although I know that is not really the case.

I also feel like an outsider when around other pregnant women. We did our hospital tour yesterday and one of my first thoughts was how crazy it is that most of the couples also at the tour got to where they are the old fashioned way. I gave up on that years ago. I can’t even imagine what that is like! They also asked lots of questions I have never even considered. For example, one wanted to know if they could change the lighting in the L&D room. My only real concern so far is keeping the babies alive and having them born healthy. It is hard for me to think of anything beyond that.

Tomorrow official marks the beginning of the third trimester. That means I (hopefully) have 10 more weeks to go. My doctor considers 38 weeks full term for twins. My number one goal for now is to get as close to 38 weeks as possible.

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone is doing well! – Jennie




10 comments on “One Year Ago

  • I clearly remember this day one year ago! I hate that you experienced that day. Extremely excited for you and the twins. I felt the same way on my hospital tour. All these women asking questions about things that I really didn’t care about (and now that she is hear still don’t care about) because all I wanted was for her to be here safe and healthy. Good luck the next few months or so.


    • Thanks! Yeah the hospital tour thing was weird. One girl wanted to know about the different types of yoga balls available. Seriously, there are different types? Oh well!
      Thanks for the well wishes! I hope the next 10 weeks go by fast! I would never complain about being pregnant of course but some days are a bit difficult. Not sure how it compares to a singleton pregnancy but moving around is a bit of a challenge. Should be interesting to see how graduation goes lol!

      Liked by 1 person

  • My heart goes out to you that you had to endure such a dreadfully sad experience and I totally understand how that never leaves you. You are so close to the end now but know you won’t feel happy until those babies are in your arms. I feel the same way and haven’t had half the experience you have had. You are doing so well. It will happen. 🙂


    • That is EXACTLY how I feel. I am so thankful to have gotten to where we are but I do not feel like I am out of the woods until they get here. Trying my best to stay positive though 🙂 We have great doctors and I feel like we are in a good place.

      Liked by 1 person

  • Sending you lots of love during this difficult day. These dates will always be hard and I am so sorry you had to experience the loss of your little boy. He is not forgotten. Hugs.


    • Thanks. It feels crazy to be in the third trimester. I have an app on my phone that tells me what trimester I am in and I must have looked at it ten times today just to make it feel a bit more real.


  • Praying for you everyday! I don’t think the pain of infertility and loss ever disappears – I still struggle with it. Let me if you ever need to chat 🙂


    • Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. I think that sometimes people do not understand that getting pregnant does not magically make the pain of infertility go away. I will definitely keep you up to date and let you know how things are going! I am also keeping you in my thoughts as you consider expanding your family.


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