This evening I was at my gym doing my thing when an old demon crept up. I have always been into exercising Even so, I have changed my motivation to work out. In the past, I used to exercise because I was terrified of gaining weight. I am not sure where it came from but I even remember as far back as when I was 11 and weighed 60 pounds and I wondered if that was too high. I also remember the first time I weighted triple digits (I was 24) and I felt sick to my stomach. In the past, working out used to mean running on the treadmill until I felt lightheaded and then running some more. Today I saw a girl at the gym who could not have been above a size 2. I want to make it clear that I do not judge her. The is no one size fits all when it comes to body size. I really hate it when people give others (especially women) a hard time for their body size because they think they are too small, big, etc. When I saw this girl though, I had a temporary longing to go back to my old ways. When I was smaller, I felt more in charge of my life. I also liked the attention. People used to frequently tell me how they wished they could be as small as me.
I know that being underweight makes it difficult to conceive. Sometimes I get really frustrated though because I feel that I may never get so pregnant so I minus well go back to being the really skinny girl. For a long time, it was my identity. Fortunately, as time goes on, these thoughts occur less and less. I know there is a possibility I may never have children. Even so, I still should take care of myself. There are more reasons to get healthy than just fertility. This is all still a work in progress but I feel like I am going in the right direction. Now I incorporate things into my workout (such as weight training) that I would never had considered in the past. Tonight I danced my ass off in Zumba and for an hour, I forgot about this whole infertility thing. I feel good.