body image

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Confronting Old Demons

Published January 31, 2014 by Jennie


This evening I was at my gym doing my thing when an old demon crept up.  I have always been into exercising  Even so, I have changed my motivation to work out.  In the past, I used to exercise because I was terrified of gaining weight.  I am not sure where it came from but I even remember as far back as when I was 11 and weighed 60 pounds and I wondered if that was too high.   I also remember the first time I weighted triple digits (I was 24) and I felt sick to my stomach.  In the past, working out used to mean running on the treadmill until I felt lightheaded and then running some more.  Today I saw a girl at the gym who could not have been above a size 2.  I want to make it clear that I do not judge her.  The is no one size fits all when it comes to body size.  I really hate it when people give others (especially women) a hard time for their body size because they think they are too small, big, etc.  When I saw this girl though, I had a temporary longing to go back to my old ways.  When I was smaller, I felt more in charge of my life.  I also liked the attention.  People used to frequently tell me how they wished they could be as small as me.

I know that being underweight makes it difficult to conceive.  Sometimes I get really frustrated though because I feel that I may never get so pregnant so I minus well go back to being the really skinny girl.  For a long time, it was my identity.  Fortunately, as time goes on, these thoughts occur less and less.  I know there is a possibility I may never have children.  Even so, I still should take care of myself.  There are more reasons to get healthy than just fertility.  This is all still a work in progress but I feel like I am going in the right direction.  Now I incorporate things into my workout (such as weight training) that I would never had considered in the past.  Tonight I danced my ass off in Zumba and for an hour, I forgot about this whole infertility thing.  I feel good.