I never thought I would ever be writing about this. I am sorry if I ramble on or don’t make sense.
First of all, I am forever grateful for the love and support I have received from my friends and family IRL as well as in my blogging community. I know it may not look like it. I still have a plethora of emails, calls, texts, etc. that I have yet to reply to. It’s still really hard to deal with things and I am doing the best I can to get through each day.
I am now ready to answer some questions people have asked me. I know when people ask me questions about what happened, it comes from a place of caring. I think it is good for me to try to answer these questions. Here it goes…
On Monday, May 11th, I went to the restroom and noticed I had a tiny bit of brown spotting. It did not continue throughout the day or get heavy in any way. Normally, that would not be an issue. That actually happened around week 9 or 10 and my doctor said it was ok. I did not have any of the normal miscarriage signs. Also, we had just started my second trimester which is when risks are supposed to go down. Even so, I had a bad feeling. I was scheduled to fly out of town that week and I wanted to check on things before I left. I called my doctor and he fit me in that day (he is the best doctor I could ever ask for). I emailed my husband and let him know about my appointment. He decided to come with me.
At the appointment, my doctor gave me an ultrasound. He did not say anything at first but I immediately knew something was very wrong just by the look on his face. I looked over at my husband and I could tell that he knew something was wrong too. After about 30 seconds (which felt like forever), my doctor said that he was very sorry but things did not look good. I looked at the ultrasound screen and saw my baby. He looked perfect but did not have a heartbeat. I got light headed and things went black for a second. My husband started to cry and I felt sick. It was the worst moment of my life, next to the time my parents called me to tell me that my brother died.
My doctor told me that I was too far along to miscarry naturally. I am also Rh negative, which is not bad but can complicate a miscarriage if not managed. We scheduled a D&E, which is similar to a D&C, for that Thursday.
I sat on the couch and barely ate or slept for 3 days. It was awful.
My regular doctor preformed my D&E. I am thankful that he did it and not some other doctor that I do not know.
What caused the miscarriage?
We do not know for sure. I had low papp-a, but that usually causes issues in the third trimester (if it causes any issues at all) and has a low predictive validity. The MFM specialist officially classified the miscarriage as a result of my CVS since it happened shortly after I had the procedure. Even so, I had a long talk with him and he does not think the CVS did it. I did not have any of the signs of a miscarriage caused by a CVS. Also, their rate of miscarriage from a CVS is about 1/300.
About 3 weeks after the miscarriage, we got the results from the microarray. This is the most comprehensive test available for genetic issues. Everything came back normal. Our results did come back 3 weeks late. It usually takes cells about 10 days to grow in the lab for microarray testing. Mine took over 3 weeks. My MFM specialist has never seen that before and has been in practice for over 20 years. Even so, we really do not know why they grew so slow. Also, growth and development always looked good on our weekly ultrasounds.
My RE, on the other hand, is more suspect of the CVS. He thinks that something about it might have caused issues and we just do not know exactly how. I think that MFM and my RE might both be right. There may be an endogenous relationship between my CVS and miscarriage. In other words, the CVS may have ultimately caused it but something was not right and it would have happened anyway. If things were ok, I would not have needed the CVS and if I had it, it would not have ended a normal pregnancy. Even so, I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt. When we were offered the CVS, I said yes and my husband said no. They gave us time to talk about it and together we decided to do it. I made a choice to do something that could have harmed my baby.
How are we doing?
Things are slowly getting better. I have accepted that 2015 as well as age 32 are years that are going to come and go with no baby (as with the 5 years that preceded them). Also, I plan to defend my dissertation in March or April. When I started my PhD program 3 years ago, we were already well into our infertility struggle. It is hard to accept that I will graduate in the same place I started baby wise.
I also still have many triggers, which can quickly turn an ok day into a bad day. I have never been an emotional person and sometimes I just do not know how to handle how I feel. It is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.
What are our plans for the future?
The question we get the most is if we are going to do IVF again. For the first few months after the miscarriage, my answer was a definite no. I figured it would be crazy to do anything that could put me in this position again. I also got angry when people asked this question. I felt like they did not understand how hard this is and it is not easy to jump into a new cycle. I talked to one of my friends about it. He told me that people ask because they know we have been through a lot and they want to see things work for us. I get that now. I also understand that my anger is sometimes misdirected. I am mad at the situation and not the people who are trying to help us get through things.
About a month ago, we did decide to consider giving it another shot. We went to my RE and I found out I have some complications from the D&E. This is relatively rare. The question now is if these complications are permanent or temporary. My RE is pretty sure they will go away. Even so, at this point I have learned not to expect anything. They told me to wait two cycles for my body to continue to recover. I have no idea what will happen at that point or if I will be able to talk about what we decide to do.
If there is one good thing to come out of my miscarriage, it is that it made me realize how lucky I am to have my husband in my life. We have been together 15 years and I may have started taking our relationship for granted. All of this has been hard on him too but he continues to do what he can to support me. In June, we went out to celebrate our 8-year wedding anniversary. I attached a picture we took that night. It was very special to me because it was the first night I felt a bit of peace and happiness since we lost our baby.
Well there you have it. Again, I am so thankful for everyone’s support. I am still working on getting to a place where I can get back to following other people’s blogs and their pregnancies. I am not there yet but hope to be soon. xoxoxo – Jennie