life

All posts tagged life

I get it

Published April 24, 2014 by Jennie

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Today was very strange.  Since the weather is getting warmer, I decided to go shopping for some summer dresses.  I was sifting through the racks at Ross when I saw a woman enter the store.  She looked disheveled and obviously (very) pregnant.  For some reason, I made eye contact with her and she came over to me.  She introduced herself to me and I could tell that she was under the influence of something (I am not sure exactly what though).  She then told me that she was due in a few days and needed help buying baby clothes.  She asked me if I could do anything for her and I just froze.  It was obvious this woman was really down on her luck.  Even so, my initial feeling towards her was jealously.  In retrospect, this is crazy.  Of course I do not know her entire life story but it appeared that my life is much more stable than hers.

I am not sure why but I asked her if she is having a boy or a girl and she told me she did not know because she had not yet been to a doctor.  She also told me that her last three children are girls so she thinks that this one might be a boy.  Before I had time to really say anything else, an employee approached us and asked this woman if she needed any help (I think he may have overheard our conversation).  He told her she needed to leave and I moved on to sift through the next rack of dresses.

When I got home, I decided to get my mind off things with some mindless TV.  I turned on Dr. Phil (I know its awful but I hoped that whoever was on it might make me feel better about my life).  The story focused on a neglected 5 year old boy who was starved and kept locked in a closet.  He lived with his father and stepmother who had 6 children and one on the way.

I hate focusing on the negative but sometimes I could not help but wonder why the hell that women gets to have so many children and I can not even have one.  Seriously, just one and I would be happy.  My husband and I are both very stable and have the resources and skills necessary to become loving parents.  I feel like I already love a child who may or may not ever exist which breaks my heart.  I just want a chance that’s all.

Life, loss, and silver linings

Published February 24, 2014 by Jennie

The last week has been difficult but had a few silver linings.  On Thursday, my parents’ dog, Peanut, starting acting very lethargic and stopped eating.  They took him to the vet where he stayed there for several (expensive) tests.  After an ultrasound, they still could not figure out what was wrong.  He continued to get worse and they ultimately decided to let him go.  He was 11.  Everyone experiences loss differently, but anyone who has ever had to say goodbye to a pet knows how hard it is to do so. When we got him at the shelter, he was so scared of everything and hid under the bed for most of the first few weeks we had him.  After he warmed up to us, he became a beloved member of the family.   I will miss him.

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This week is also hard because my brother would have turned 28.  We always had so much fun on birthdays.  I miss him everyday and more so on special occasions.   It always makes me mad when people tell me I should be thankful for the time we had together.  I am thankful for the memories I have.  Even so, I still can not bring myself to be thankful for having him in my life for only 19 years.  This may be because I lack insight or maturity but that is how I feel.  Also, even though I would never wish anything bad on anyone, I still do get jealous of people who have close relationships with their brothers.  While my brother and I were very different, we always supported one another and I know he loved me.

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Since it is difficult for me to be thankful for the time we had, I decided to identify things I am thankful for.  My list is not inclusive and in no particular order.  This one is for you, Mike.

Things  I am thankful for

My husband
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I could go on forever.  For now I will say that after 13+ years, he still makes me feel like a princess.  This might sound cheesy but I can tell he loves me just by the way he looks at me.

My parents
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Again, I could seriously go on forever. I never realized how lucky I was to have amazing parents until I grew up. As a kid, home was always a warm loving place. Even when I was in trouble, I always felt safe and protected. My parents did not spoil me but they were (and still are) my biggest cheerleaders (well maybe tied with my husband). Growing up, I participated in dance for about ten years. My dad attended every recital and would give me a dozen roses. I would pretend to be annoyed by them, but they always made me feel like the most special girl in the world. As an adult, I know they always have my back but they also let me be my own person. Also, after 34 years together, they are still a shining example of what a marriage would be.

My friends
Sometimes I feel like I won the friend lottery. I do not have lots and lots of friends, but the ones I do have are phenomenal. Yesterday, we had some of them over to make pizza from scratch and I had so much fun. I was also able to forget my fertility/life struggles for a while.

My education
It might sound weird, but I love school. I love how at the end of the school day, I leave with skills that I did not have at the beginning of the day. I am very lucky that I have the opportunity to go to school to pursue my doctorate. It required me to leave the regular work world for at least three years and I know that is not something everyone can do (another reason why my husband is my superman).

Exercise
Exercise helps keep me sane. When I am in the middle of a workout, all my stresses and challenges are temporarily suspended. I am so lucky to have a wonderful workout partner that lives two houses away. Sometimes I feel like I do not want to work out but I always feel better after going.  Having an exercise buddy gives me a much needed boost that helps me keep on track.

Trash TV
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Ok this one is a little silly, but every once and a while, I enjoy losing myself in a good trashy show.  I can admit that it is my occasional guilty pleasure.

So yeah life is hard but there are lots of things I am thankful for. I hope everyone has a great week! xoxoxo